


What They've Become

by sozmom



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, coz they realize they're gae, kinda starts sad, then gets fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6411148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sozmom/pseuds/sozmom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon's Undead Life isn't that bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What They've Become

He remembers panicking as he claws his way to the surface. He can’t think straight he’s driven purely by emotion - _survive, survive, survive_. When he breaks through that’s when a different emotion pulls him forward, a scarier one, one he hates but can’t help. It’s hunger, never like the kind he’s felt before. He want’s to scratch his own throat out, to ease the pain but then he hears it, the pulse of blood rushing through his best friend’s veins. It’s no longer his throat he wants to rip out, _its hers._  


The thought will later disgust him, fill him with such despair at this monster he’s become. He wants to hate Clary for choosing this for him. But he can’t. He wants to hate Jace but he has a feeling he knows which option Jace would’ve picked for him. Not out of malice, but because to him that would be the best option. Instead he hates Raphael.  


“You’re a monster”  


Simon’s almost proud at the look of hurt that crosses the elders face. He wants Raphael to know how much he hates him for doing this. For giving Clary the option. For saving his life. Though it’s now technically his afterlife. He’s dead ( _undead_ ). He can’t live like this. He’s not even alive  


“ _I’m a monster_!”  


“Look..”  


And Simon does. He looks at the vampire in front of him. He looks at his dark hair. He looks at his handsome features and full pink lips. He looks at his throat and is actually relieved not to hear a pulse. Raphael is flawless in how he looks but his eyes hold his every flaw on display, the feelings of ‘I’ve been there’. _Windows to the soul_. Do vampires even have souls. When Simon dies  (for real this time) will his soul ascend or is there none left to go anywhere, heaven or hell.  


His thoughts are moving too fast and so is he. He doesn’t even know where he’s going but he thinks if he runs fast enough he’ll outrun them. He knows it’s a fruitless effort but for now he needs to get away. From Clary and Jace and the grave they dug for him. He needs to get away from Raphael. Before he starts believing the things he’s trying to tell him.  


_0\/000\/0_  


Simon doesn’t know what he agreed to when he pledges his loyalty to Raphael. He thinks he’ll be forced to spend all his time with the vampire clan, brooding in Hotel Dumort. Except that's not what happens, at all.

It’s… it’s not bad. It’s not ideal. Ideally Simon would never find out about the shadowworld and he would still be … well alive but it’s not bad. Raphael, at the start, is not a patient trainer. Simon needn’t have worried about being stuck in the Hotel Dumort as every training session would end with Raphael telling him to take a walk. It’s a week’s worth of walks before he finally works up the nerve to go to Luke. Simon’s not stupid okay, he knows walking into a wolves den is a dumb idea but it’s that or hanging out in the cemetery near the hotel and he’s not about to be _that_ kind of vampire.  


After his excursion with Luke he returns to the Hotel with bullet holes in his shirt and a smile on his face. It feels like the first time since this entire mess that he’s genuinely enjoyed himself. Pretending to be a psychopath and then pretending to die being the funnest thing he’s done in a while may be toeing the line of self deprecation at it’s finest but he’s not about to over think it. He wants to enjoy the moment as long as he can.  


Except fate, or better yet, Raphael has other ideas about how Simon should find entertainment. He gets grilled on the bullet holes (“You let him _shoot_ you!”) and then on the wolves (“I’d ask if any of them hurt you but _clearly_ I have my answer”) and then he gets yelled at (“HOW COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN YOU’D SURVIVE THAT?” “Well..” “SHUT UP”), then he gets yelled at in Spanish (“¿TIENE ALGUNA IDEA DE LO ESTÚPIDO QUE ERES?”). He eventually gets let go with a long suffering sigh and the threat of “If you don’t start taking care of yourself I will make sure you’ll value your life next time”. Which is one of the most aggressive forms of promoting self-care that Simon’s ever experienced.  


He’s lying in his bed that night (well technically day), going over Raphael’s words. He  thinks about what he was trying to say (well … yell) and Simon gets the weird idea that  Raphael may actually care about him. The realistic part of his brain realizes Raphael would actually be in trouble if he’d let Simon die. Clary would totally avenge his death and she’s scary when she wants to be. The part of his brain that’s clinging to any form of humanity idly wonders if Simon’s rubbed off on Raphael. If Raphael actually has a soft spot for him. It’s practically school-yard levels of crushing on someone but Simon enjoys it. Enjoys the complicated-ness of the feeling. It’s hard to pinpoint. It doesn’t drive him against his will like everything else he’s been feeling lately.

He goes to sleep that night(day) and dreams, for once not the darkness of his grave but of Raphael’s dark hair. Or more specifically, running his fingers through Raphael’s dark hair.  


At this point he should be having a sexuality crisis but that;s such a _human_ thing to worry about.  


Good thing he’s not human.  


_0\/000\/0_  


Training sessions become a lot easier after the whole Luke-shooting-him thing. Simon learns to rail himself in a little more. Not having his fangs spring out the moment he gets slightly excited is nice. The hunger, thats a little tougher to control but he gets there. It’s gruelling hours of sitting still while a glass of blood is placed right in front of him and he’s not allowed touch it.  


He fails instantly the first time Raphael practices this with him. However after a few more tries his willpower gets stronger. It takes longer for him to crack each time. Raphael said he was _impressed_ at one point. Simon barely bites back telling him that concentrating on Raphael’s voice instead of the blood makes it easier. Instead he accepts the compliment with a (thankfully) fangless smile before they move on to sparring.  


_0\/000\/0  
_

“Interim Chapte–WHAT?” Simon exclaims, he can not believe this. “You heard me” Raphael says, his smirk is so big Simon wants to punch it off his face. With his mouth, because Raphael looks infuriatingly hot when he smirks. “What does- What does that even mean?” Simon asks incredulously.  


“It means you’ll be assisting me with my duties” Raphael replies, still looking so fucking smug. Simon calls total bullshit.  


“Y'know some people might think you made up that title to keep me around” Simon spits that out because he apparently can’t stop himself from digging his own verbal grave.  


“Stops you from getting involved in Shadowhunter business” Raphael shrugs and Simon so hates him right now but he hates himself more for what comes out of his mouth next.  


“Nah I think you just like having me around”  


Raphael actually hesitates before throwing out a “Don’t flatter yourself”. And well if there’s anything Simon Lewis is good at it’s being given an inch and taking a mile.  


“No you totally like me. You think I’m the best. You think I’m handsome and witty an-”  


“Don’t push it fledgling” Raphael growls and Simon _knows_ he’s getting under the elders skin.  


“That's Interim Chapter-whatsamajig to you” Simon corrects him and for a moment it’s very silent before Simon notices Raphael’s lip twitch and HOLY SHIT HE’S SMILING. Like real smiling not that stupid fucking 'i’m-better-than-thou’ smirk he always has on.  


Before Simon can comment on the miracle that just happened right before his very eyes Raphael gives him a shove and leaves as fast as he came.  


Holy Shit.  


This is the best day of Simon’s Undead Life.  


_0\/000\/0_  


They’re totally bros now. Really they are. Simon makes Raphael watch movies with him and Raphael shows him cool places to visit at night without any mundies around. Y'know bro things that bros do. Bros share clothing right? So Raphael wont mind if he borrows the suit. Because they’re bros now. Totally bros.  


_0\/000\/0_  


“Is that my suit?”  


Simon’s fucked.  


_0\/000\/0_  


Simon flops down next to Raphael. If he needed to breathe he’d be totally out of breath by now.  


“Y'know…” Simon starts, breaking the comfortable blissed-out silence.  


“Dios not even sex can shut you up” Simon elects to ignore that comment.  


“That suit looks way better on the floor than it did on either of us” He finishes before looking over to gauge Raphael’s reaction. Raphael glances at the suit then over to Simon. He cracks a small little genuine smile and Simon can almost feel his heart doing loop-di-loops. “I can’t disagree with that” He says and Simon’s own smile is almost painfully big at this point.

“Finally something we agree on”  


“I wouldn’t go that far. I mean the suit would look nicer if it was properly stored in my clos-” Simon shuts him up with a kiss. Now’s not the time for arguing. Or anything that isn’t them and what they’ve become.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fanfic I've written since 2014 I'm rusty dont sue me I love these nerds so much.


End file.
